A couple of months ago I moved my home in Inverness, an enchanted piece of the world hidden away in far west Marin. The air here felt fresh and clean, communicating newness, inviting an adventure. A beautiful land, with a magic shimmer to it was waiting to be discovered. The trees were beckoning me to touch them, the ground to be walked, the rocks to be sat on. And yet, in my heart there was a struggle: An attachment to the land of my previous home, where I'd lived for over five years. I'd grown to intimately love Her - the goddess , the divine feminine sensuously opening Herself in the San Geronimo Valley, Her body in the form of open grassy fields and redwood groves feeling like a soft bosom to dive in when my little self needed nurturing comfort, other times to merge with, feeling the beauty I see is the beauty that I am...

 

Now, several miles away, an entire different face of the goddess has presented itself to me:  Beautiful, enchanting, yet strange and uknown, inviting and little frigtening at the same time. I did not know Her here and though in my deepest heart I knew She was here for me just as She was in the old place, my heart was clawing for security to the old, known form. The analogy from my last Puja presented itself to me, when, at some point inviting women to say goodbye to their main partners to circulate, I talked about shakti leaving her beloved shiva in order to create the universe, yet not leaving truly, only changing Her form: That's what happened. She did not go away, she just changed Her face. She's showing me the another aspect of myself to be loved and explored, inviting me to be more. Yes, I am going to love Her - love me - just the same.

 

I realized what I needed most was a sacred space, a place of deep communion where I can feel private, just as I had at the old place. Will I find one? Yes, there MUST be one: My move here has been divinely guided, I'm sure a sacred space is waiting to be found. And yes, I did find it. I did not need to look: The moment I let go of my mind trying to run the show, trying to 'find a place', and moved from my heart, I walked right into it. It was beautiful, it was earthy, and yet expansive, with the magnificent view of the bay. It was pure and innocent, yet holding so much power, it was sacred. A hidden oasis in of untouched nature left to blossom in its own way close to human homes. I'd come here to share my joys and sorrows, to remember the truth of my own nature. I'd lay on the earth, womb to womb, feeling a communion of oneness. You are mother, I am a mother, I am you. We breathe together. Her love exploding in my heart. I am love. I am earth, I am nature, love is my nature. The birds saw me (for who I truly am), coming really close, as if I'd been there forever, sometimes land on my human body, utter a few twirls...). Waves of orgasmic energy were coursing through me, exploding in my heart with gratitude for life. I am Her, I am abundant , I am beautiful and eternal, the supreme being, mother of all. Remembering my true nature I'd walk away in this small body back to the human world, capable of dealing with issues of our complex, disconnected life, yet feeling nourished, feeling connected. Feeling my radiant goddess nature I'd come to my beloved open, ready to be ravished. Arising from earth, with each orgasm exploding like a shooting star across the cosmos, returning back to the earth. Maybe, one day...I share my secret, my sacred space with him. Will I put a blinfold on his eyes and lead him to it in mystery, let him see only with his third eye. Then slowly, teasing his senses, one by one, remove the blinfold and reveal the physical beauty of it.

 

A couple of days ago, I heard the sound of doom. I did not want to hear it, and I did not want to accept it. Sitting in my sacred space, talking to my friend, an oak tree, I heard the chain saws. Maybe a distant neighbor is cutting his wood? No, the chainsaws were to close. Perhaps they are just clearing a few bushes, along the nearby path...I felt distraught, but hopeful...I did not want to think further.

 

Yesterday, I heard the chain saws again. I did not walk to my sacred space right away, I did not want to get close to that sound. Perhaps it would stop in a few minutes..I decided to take a loop. I walked and walked. I prayed, loved and thanked. I climbed up the ridge to see the ocean. Then I heard it: My sacred space was calling me. It was a cry for help. She needed me there. I walked faster and faster, being pulled by invisible string. As I was getting closer I did not hear the chain saws any more, but something did not feel right. I felt sadness. Then I saw it: The tiny, hidden pathway leading to it, was not there, instead there was a driveway, the tracks of truck tires imprinted in the dark soil. Freshly cut branches lied on either side, still alive, hurting. I'd stop to carress them, feeling an intesifying headache from a rising emotion.. It would get worse: The previously luscious, living, open area was now laid with cut trees and bushes. It felt like a graveyeard. I got confused, am I in the right place? Am I dreaming? Tears started welling in. I looked for my oak tree friend, I needed a hug. I wanted to be held. Where was he? What I was staring at? Then the reality hit my like an arrow in the heart: He was no more. I had been cut down. His body, cut in chunks, lying helplessly on the mossy earth, the stomp, almost invisible, had been cut close to the ground. I cried loudly now. I felt helpless, defeated. Stroking gently the fresh wound, my tears dripping to the earth, I knew all I could do is to love. Give back the love I'd received over and over. Now it was time for me to be strong in my sorrow, to be the mama, holding this wounded land in my arms. I'd hug my sister, the migty pine, saying: It's okay. I'm here. I'm with you. I love you. I feel the pain. I feel my vulnerability. In my vulnerability is my power.

 

My heart is raw

My heart is broken

But I know its broken

To to be more open

How many times do I have to die

To be born to the real I?

To be raw, defeated and beaten

To arise as untouched,

and whole in my love?

Untouched, yet toucheable?

Feeling pain raging in my body

as an unmistakable sign

of the ecstasy of being alive?

 

My sacred space continues to live in my heart.